final ending

Summer is coming to the grand finale. Or is it? We are tickled and teased with the ideas of crisp leaves and sharp airs, but are we clear of the sweltering and scalding heat? Personally, I quite enjoyed the summer sun and want one good tan before we say our goodbyes to tanks tops and sandals.

This summer was one of epic proportion. Maybe the greatest yet? Or possibly the one that has taught the most.

Sometimes I wonder, not anything specific, but random, obscure thoughts. My mind flies in a billion places and I feel like I have no control. And that's where it builds. I let it rise while trying to suppress that overwhelming feeling. And eventually, it spills. Causing a bigger mess than if I were to just take care of things.

While in my last post, I talked about being ready and able to face things head on, I have to say, I am still learning. I am still trying. They've said it takes five hundred hours to create a new habit. I have no idea who "they" is. But I don't know if they realized how long five hundred hours really is. I will keep going, don't get me wrong.

But I am having a slight struggle moment.

It is nothing that a large bar of chocolate, a sad movie, blankets, and some sad songs won't fix. Sounds ridiculous, but sometimes literally sitting, writing, and crying for me is cathartic. It may seem difficult to understand for most, but I need to hear and see how ridiculous some of the thoughts that are running through my head actually are.

Last night, unfortunately, I burst. I have no clue what triggered it. But the drip, drip, plop of whatever it was filled the glass far too quickly and there was a puddle of meaghan on the floor. It isn't even stress. It is, however, worry: will I be good enough, have I made the right decisions, am I doing enough.

I have let myself worry about too much.

Why you might ask? Because I have no idea how not to worry.

I know.

How is that possible?

And I have an even more ridiculous answer for you.

I have no idea.

I can see you all now. All... well not very many of you, thinking, this girl is nuts. Well, I won't judge you if you won't judge me. Kidding... but seriously...

Jealous is definitely a word I would use when I think about some people. The fact that they can just let things go. Slide off. I find that I am really good at starting to let it slide, but I have some hitch or edge that whatever it is snags on and stays. Then I pull the snag, scratch the itch, unravel the yarn; let it get to me.
It is hard to understand why, since all of this, in the long run, is nothing. The life I would like to lead should not be impacted by these simple things. And I really should not let it. It won't. M greater and bigger picture has nothing to do with any of this.

Please don't get frustrated. I know it is difficult to understand. I just need a bit. Hand me the chocolate. Maybe a glass of something good. Let me find the absolute ridiculousness in my words. Then squeeze me tight.

Thank you for not letting me feel sorry for myself. Because in the long run, that is what is more ridiculous than anything I could ever say. That leads you no where. Sometimes I wonder if I am too independent for my own good. I cannot, for the life of me, ask for help, tell anyone how I am feeling at that moment, and definitely cannot rely on someone.
When you rely on someone you risk getting hurt.
Here I am risking more than others seem to care. Hoping to not fall flat on my face one more time.

Just know, I'm here for you too.

My last song played. I had no chocolate to begin with and the bed is way to warm. Actually I'm outside, but the figurative bed...

The head attached to my body is no longer jumbled because the snags have run their course. The water has overflowed and spilled and I am completely spent.

Fresh new Megs to start the new month.

September will bring good things. The cool air is already settling in. Sweaters, scarves and sweet nothings are whispered on the tips of the season. Turning the leaf is a cliched and yet perfect saying for today. I just needed a little revamp. Thanks for bearing with...

This is my grand finale. No more snags. No more falls, spills, messes. It is time to get up and move, shake and shimmy. Let's rumble.

Life... you don't know who you are messing with.