Better Late Than Never: Race Report Meet Life Status

To say I never had any intention of running a marathon, let alone an ultra-marathon, is quite possibly the most extreme understatement one could possibly conjure. Never was in my plan. But those who know me know I am not exactly one for plans. Or rules.

A year ago, I was presented with the idea of running a marathon. Wonderstruck and smitten, I said, “Why the hell not?” Training went pretty well-injuries came and I stubbornly pushed; still making it to the finish after an extremely emotional 26.2 miles. Stating very matter-of-factly, “I will never do that again.” Only after a mandatory 20 minute thought provoking walk, did I change to “Let’s do this, better.”

I signed up for this ultra- marathon, The Badger MountainChallenge 50k, in a less than emotionally stable mental state. Quite possibly rationalizing the sign-up. I needed something to focus on for a couple of months. And in all actuality it was to keep my mind off of other things. I needed something to keep me occupied. I needed to prove to myself I could do this, I would survive-live another day. And I could do it all on my own. This is not to say that any number of people tried to talk me out of it. They did. I was even told, “it would be impressive if I finished.” Fuel on the fire. But then again, those who know me, knew I would thrive from this competitive jab.

I trained. The majority of it on my own, letting my mind wander and slide through memories and future dreams as I climbed every hill I could think of in and around Spokane.

A relative “newbie” to any distance longer than 13.1, I tried to gather as much information and knowledge as I could. But a lot of things came down to trial and error, experimentation. What would work for me?

Listening to others who had fared distances far exceeding my imagination and my own endeavors, I found a combination which would best suit me.

Laying out checkpoints for myself in training led to that in the races as well. The week of the race itself was a trying one, to say the least. I let questions and doubts creep into my mind: Could I really do this? I almost quit. I almost just threw it all away, all the hard work, all the time, all the effort, all the emotions. I lost it mentally. And I needed to be fully able on all levels. My heart was in pain. I was not a quitter.

I did not want to put any expectation on myself. Really, I wanted to finish and not feel like absolute death. So, whatever I had to do. However, the largely competitive runner within me put some kinds of goals on the back burner-just in case.

The morning of the race could not have been more majestic and beautiful. Starting at the base of a hilly neighborhood, we were still high enough to see an orangey-pink sunrise over the city, smiling down upon our treacherous endeavor. I actually felt a rising happiness inside as I was about to embark. I had also never felt more alone even in a crowd of nearly seventy runners with varying degrees of wakefulness. But it was an ok feeling. Scary, but ok.

Instructions were laid out and not knowing the area or terrain ( at all!) I only really took to the “follow the green markers” as my guide. Don’t get lost.

Starting on the asphalted incline-some took off charging, while others just got moving. Again, reference the varying degrees of being awake. I was somewhere in the middle, knowing that I did not want to get stuck on the bottleneck of the trail. Unlike most of my races in the past, going out hard would most certainly make me pay dearly later. I had decided to stay within a certain pace on the uphills and that would save me. Or at least, I hoped. Rhythm, in the end, is what kept me going.

Having a full handheld, I smiled at the cheers and called out my number through the first aid station. I could see a small group of strung out runners ahead and there were a couple behind me even. But I was in a place called no-man’s land and I was perfectly fine with that. I had practiced that; letting my mind wander and roam as I traversed through the climbs and downfalls, guided by the little green flags, like breadcrumbs marking my trail.

I laugh now, but my strong suit is not downhills. Especially steep, rocky ones. And there were times I wish I had been watching myself, only to garner a laugh.

While I know that my mind did wander, it must have gone much farther than I though, because I do not remember a lot of the race, just getting into some kind of rhythmic run. I stopped caring about everything outside of me. I just moved forward, onward. The final major climb before my turn-around was difficult. The incline itself would prove to be taxing, but add in the steady, heavy sidewind-I was in for it.

One of my weakness as a runner has always been mental toughness. Let’s face it- as a person it has been difficult. And it has already been an extremely long year of testing that. Admittedly I had broken already on a few runs and workouts. And in a few life moments. And I was adding to the difficulty by doing this on my own. I could not break. I didn’t have anyone to pick me. I was not going to have anyone at the end to hold me if I broke down and cried. No one could be there, but me. It came down to simply telling myself I was tougher. And I did not allow myself to question it. Each step was that much closer.

At the halfway point aid station, I chatted and thanked the volunteers for everything. I did not stay long because I was actually on pace for one of my goals. The competitor in me was creeping up and growing stronger as the miles, piled on. No expectations, but it would be pretty cool…

Fueled with a bit of coca-cola, some m’n’ms and peanut butter, I was ready for my second 15.5 mile run of the day. Staying contained and within myself was going to be a key to finishing. I could not get crazy. Having done most of training at a much faster pace was falling into my benefit. I had strengthened myself in my own way, and I had found what was best for me. And all I could do was just keep going. Climbingg was taking its toll of course, but I kept telling myself that I was ok. Hitting sections of basalt rock with rough footing, I remembered a warning I had received back in December. Laughing I was blown off the course by the wind, only heightening the difficulty. I was again alone with no protection. It took some strength, but I powered through the gusts.

At this point, I broke down the remainder of the race by aid stations. I knew where they were and I just focused on each section. Checking in with myself, I continued the rhythm and the wandering.

Hitting the second to last aid station, I caught a woman about my age and we kept each other going-discussing previous races we had run. She laughed when I told her this was my first ultra. I told her she was awesome and that we’d see how I was doing in a couple of miles. Eventually we separated, but she would pass me later on, after an intense trial of my own. But she was the first person I ran with. And there was only nine miles left at this point. Reaching the second to last climb, I could feel myself reaching a breaking point. Mentally I had made some kind of misstep. I could not really tell you exactly what it was, but I could feel everything breaking down. The bricks and stones I had used to build the wall around myself, protecting myself, were cracking and slowly crumbling. I was letting things inside and get to me throughout the previous week. I couldn’t do that now; not if I wanted to finish. I felt a mirage form in front of me. Something I knew may happen, but didn’t want to. Well, who are we kidding; I did, but knew it wouldn’t be good for me. I fell into the mirage and followed it for a couple miles, feeling comfortable in the warmth of its presence. It spoke to me in soft words, never getting too personal, but trying to edge around touchy subjects. Finally, I realized I needed to guard my heart. That was the thing I needed to keep beating. I didn’t want to lose this mirage though. I wanted it to still be there at the end. I wanted it back. I would rather live in the uncomfortable knowing of that mirage than without it. But I needed this for me. Not anyone or anything else. I dropped it. I got to the final aid station and pushed everything aside. Or tried to. I fought through the pain. I fought through the tears and finally I crossed the line. No one was there to hold me. No one was there to hug me. I found friendly faces, sure. But I was by myself. And that was a pretty ok place to be. Not ideal, and maybe not exactly what I want, but I was ok. I was going to be ok. I did it on my own. I would survive. I would live to see another day. I made it thirty one miles.

What’s next?

who. what. where. when. why.

I have been asked this question a lot in my life, a mostly unimportant question in the grand scheme. But I understand the reasoning behind it.

Why do you run?

I always try to come up with some smarty retort like, "I run so I can eat all the food I want." Or, "I don't really run, I just pretend really well."

Recently, on a run in fact, I began contemplating the realities of why I run. Why do I drag my butt out the door in the cold, dark mornings, with only my visible breath as my companion? Why do I spin counterclockwise ovals at speeds which sometimes my mind and lungs question, but my legs yearn for more?
There are many reasons I run, I found. I started because I was not good at other sports. I can get by, and it is pretty funny to watch. I wasn't picked last, but by no means was I picked first. Running is not a game. You get what you give. Other sports are based on so much: statistics, calculations- games. Running is what it is. Simple. You either do it or you don't; get out the door, or not. There are ways to increase the rate of your improvement curve obviously. But it comes back to the fact that you get what you give. If you want to get better you give a little bit more. I wish all life was like this. Sometimes you can give your all and get nothing in return. You try your best, but it was not good enough.
I was once told I am very public with my feelings- on my blog. Which is true, I cannot deny that. In my everyday life, I find it difficult to be completely honest and open about my feelings. To anyone. I cannot ask for help. I do things even if there will be a negative affect on me, or maybe if I do not want to. Because I want to do things for others. That brings me happiness to see someone else happy. I do not want to burden anyone with my own problems or needs. I am not dependent because I don't want to cause hurt.
My blog is a way for me to work out the thoughts clouding my mind. Putting things onto the page allows me to feel a sense of completeness and understanding. It is my way to express emotions I am otherwise unable to express.
I do not want to make it seem that I do not need the help. I am not ungrateful of the amazing support system I have been so luckily gifted. There are many, many people who have been there, believing in me, when I don't have the strength to believe in myself; when I don't think I am good enough.
Not so long ago, on quite a difficult trial, I heard the words: "I am proud of you. I am excited for you, you've worked so hard for this. I believe in you, Meaghan"
I had never heard these words and believed them before. For the first time, I believed. And I believed in myself. These words have never meant so much to me. They still do, and probably always will.
I have appreciated everything I have been given. I will cherish it always and am eternally grateful for all gifts, physical, emotional, etc. to my own fault I do not ask for things. I feel guilty, selfish, burdensome. I let myself get hurt; letting emotions build until a boiling point. So instead, I protect myself. I do my best, but sometimes I fall short. All I can do is keep going, keep trying.
Game playing is not for me. I am no good at it. Too dangerous, too dramatic. Leave me to the open road; solitary or with company, I will continue on.
I do not define myself by running. Yes, I am a runner, but it does not have to be my entire life. It gives me time, focus. It is a passion which I find much joy.
I want to share my joy. Not solely in running, but more. That's just who I am. I don't expect anything In return, why should I? Sometimes the littlest deeds have the greatest impact on our hearts. Even just a cup of coffee. I do things for the small possibility of making someone smile.
I don't do anything for reward, accolades, or recognition. Not even running. That's not the point. I do it because it brings me joy. As selfish as that may seem. I always have. And I always will. Regardless of what anyone thinks, or how anyone acts towards me. I am a nice person. I've finally started believing that. And I am allowed to be one- even if people may think differently, or create stories portraying me differently. Remember, there are two sides to every story.
Don't believe everything you hear... There are always two sides to every story. Although we hear what we want. What is it going to get us if we speak Ill of people? Where will we end up? It would make me feel worse about myself. Judging someone does not define who they are, but who you are. Saying hurtful things won't get you anywhere. You stay static, possibly even moving backwards. Why would you want to do that? Stories get twisted and turned. And we hear what we want, while telling others what they want to hear. All it does is create drama. But really? Shouldn't it all go back to the start? Or is there too much residual damage?
Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Don't protect my feelings. I've done it before. It is dramatic and messy. It is all a matter of perception. If we are honest, it is easier in the long run.

You don't have to take my niceness. You don't have to drink the coffee. There is no other reason than the simple fact that I am a nice person. And you get what you give. Maybe I am hoping that if I give enough, it will be passed on to someone else.

Now I am definitely not one to toot my own horn. For those of you who know me, you know I really only get embarrassed when someone pays me a compliment. Or if I get recognized for something. But here it is, I do not define myself as a runner, a saleswoman, a brunette, or even happy.
I define myself as nice. And I am ok with that.

adversity

I shut off my phone yesterday. It was necessity; totally liberating, suggested in fact. It opened up my mind for a bit. And I actually sat down and wrote. I filled pages of a blank notebook that had been sitting, staring at me for weeks. Obviously it was necessary for me to get outside my locked up little world for a bit and think about the thoughts constantly racing through my head.
Some might think I was doing it to avoid life, but I did it to live life.

You can make one choice each and every day. Actually, in all reality, we make thousands. Some impact us in tiny, minute ways: how much conditioner to use, which plate to eat off of, etc. Others create much greater ripples, flowing further and deeper than we could have ever imagined.

I woke up this week after a night that definitely could have put me in a major funk, but decided I would not let this bring me down. I was making the choice to be happy. Because you do know it is a choice: you can choose to t\let things get you down, or you can choose to face things head on and say, "BRING IT."

While this would seemingly be a simple decision (hey, imma be happy!), I came to the realization that I can make or break my day by this choice. In our minds we make it complex and obscure and far too difficult. We set up our own obstacles. We put the hurdles up.  We put the limits on ourselves. We may find ways to blame others. That is just a crutch No one can do anything to us or make us do anything we do not want to do. Look in the mirror.

So what if we did not limit ourselves?

To me, I wonder if I put up these barriers, that maybe there isn't a part of me that thinks I can break them down; there is an innate knowledge that that can happen.

So why limit yourself to not be happy? Deep down we all know we have the choice.

What is your happy then?

While it may seem that I am saying this with all the confidence in the world that I do this each and every moment of my life, I can tell you from my own personal experience that I find it an extremely difficult task to accomplish, but it wouldn't be worth it without some level of difficulty. Nothing in life that is worth it comes easily. Trust me I have run into some pretty deep puddles, some high hurdles, some hefty road blocks. All it really means is that my feet get a little wet and I'll have to jump or go around when I am already pretty tired and beat down. Either you can make the adjustments or you can let it slow you down.

I have fallen in the past and thought that maybe it would just be easier to stay down. But really? Is that an option? What is astounding is our abilities as humans to adapt to all ripples and wakes. Whether we choose to or not.

We think at times we are indestructible. At our young, naive states in life, we feel we can do anything and survive. That will never happen to me. We hear of tragedy, or downfalls, and believe it will never happen to us.
Even mistakes occurring in our lives, do we face them? Or do we sweep them under the rug? Turning our backs and a blind eye to the harsh reality that is, and just hoping we do not have to face it. We should not sweep, we should not pretend.
These things, these feelings, are real.

The choices we make during adversity can determine who we are and who we may become, who we choose to be. We can learn from our mistakes.  We can learn from our obstacles, our limits. Sometimes we have got to fall on our butt to get back up. It is the choice to learn. Let us learn to be happy. We are not indestructible. We hurt. And we hurt others in turn. Let's communicate.

Let's believe in each other and all that we are. And let us give reason to believe and to trust in one another.

Pain and suffering are often the catalysts for life's most important and profound lessons, ideas, and accomplishments. We should not be defined by how we act in a good situation, but rather how we respond to adversity, obstacles and trials; the tribulations and the hardships are what shape us. How can we face these head on and move forward? Taking the lessons they teach us in hand, knowing the scars they may leave will act solely as a reminder of how we are stronger for it all. We would not be given anything we were not able to handle.

"Just live every moment and smile as much as you can. Because that is when special folks come along to help you enjoy your life and likewise theirs."

Let's love.

it is always worth a shot. sometimes you get a great surprise. and sometimes...
put yourself on the line. you never know what you're going to get... take the risk... it is always worth it.

I never had no one
I could count on
I've been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin'
So tired of searchin'
'Til you walked into my life
It was a feelin'
I'd never known
And for the first time
I didn't feel alone

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend, oh yeah

You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You're right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend (my best friend)
You're my best friend (my best friend)

good-deed-a-day

so. it is december. and i like this month. a lot... there are so many amazing things that happen if we just open our eyes, ears and hearts. oh, and noses too.

so i am proposing this: let's do at least one good deed each day this month. choose what you would like to do, but let's pay it forward in a sense.

good luck!

m

constant

Fall has finally hit. Shorts are put in the drawer and long pants and tights are worn. With the ideas of the winds changing and bringing in new light, it brings wonder to how many times things change in a day, in a moment, and life just keeps going on. Is there any constant?

Attitudes and actions change from day to day between people and life throws lemons or grapes as fruits hit the wall, but do we know anything different? Variables, like in science class can be constant or fluctuating. Undetermined even. To keep some sense of sanity in such a hectic world, it is important to keep some variables in life as constant. One thing every day that will reset, recycle, recapture the life we want to live.

Put one foot in front of the other. Step out the door. Smile.