little things

Sometimes the little things in life are the things that truly make you happy, whatever that may be. It is truly the simple things. This last week or so has been one of many a trial and obstacle for me. And to say the least, I broke. I let everything add up and break me down and tear me apart. When I finally wised up and realized life was much more than I was letting it be, I realized that the little things are what matter the most. And really, in the long run, the little things are the big memories and the most important moments. Even sometimes those moments are made of words; words that can change your mind and your entire attitude about life. Completely. 


I know what I want. 


It's that new toothbrush. Or the cup of coffee placed delicately on the bedside table to wake up slowly to. It is the slightest touch on your hand, letting you know someone is there. And always will be. 


Sometimes it can be difficult. When we let everything else be so important. Or we read into everything so deeply that we no longer see the bigger picture. 


Life is meant to be lived, not worried. Know that it is not about possession, ownership, or trying to understand every minute detail. It is that smile you get from someone. And know that person truly loves you. 


I know what I want. 
And I know I am wanted. 

insecure

I've got this insecurity. I've got several. But this one is holding me back. And for some reason, I feel it necessary to display it for everyone. Maybe this will be a cathartic experience for me. Or maybe it will make me more insecure. Let's find out shall we?

Ok. Here it is:

I don't think I am good enough.
Honestly.
And it isn't even rational for me to think that, I know. But for me, I worry that I will never be good enough. For anything. Or anyone. I love my life. I really do. And I should feel good enough. I am just at a point in my life that I am trying to figure a lot of things out. What do I do? What do I like?

What do I want?

Now it took a lot of time. And it will take a lot of thinking, I am sure, but I realized today that I do know what I want, this insecurity is the only thing holding me back. So here it goes. I am throwing it to the wind.

Pain and suffering are often the catalysts for life's most profound lessons, ideas, and accomplishments. We should not be defined on how we act in a good situation, but how we react to adversity, obstacles and trials.

The tribulations and hardships are what shapes us as humans. How can we face these head on, and move on from them, taking only the lessons they teach us in hand, not the scars they may have left? Simply posing the question is just the first step and then realizing you are stronger than anything put in front of you. We would not be given the rough stuff unless someone out there knew we could handle it.

I don't have to live up to anyone else's standards but my own. And for that matter, no one who really, truly loves me has standards like that. They will love me for who I am, not for what they want me to be. I am being tested now, and I definitely failed the first couple times. But regrets and mistakes, they're memories made. And you only stop living when you stop trying to get back up after a fall.

I'm getting back up. Even if I am a little worse for the wear. And covered in dirt.

I know what I want. And I am ready to get it. I want to be happy. And really there is only one thing, one person, who does that. So I'm ready to go. I'm ready. 

Sometimes it needs to be the little things in life that make and keep you happy. Here's to continued little things.

self analysis

Recently I have been doing some major self analysis and understanding. It can at times be extremely difficult to delve deep inside yourself and realize what is truly going on. 


I am self-conscious. I do not think many of you realize this. Mostly because I am extremely outgoing, loud, obnoxious even. I am quiet and introverted. I worry a lot. And I don't really understand why. I get intimidated easily, but normally I try not to show it. In all actuality I am pretty good at faking it all, hiding how I am really feeling. Which is so NOT good. I don't want to do that. I want to be able to actually be confident. And not be intimidated by things. 


Recently, someone came into my life who made me want to change how I feel. They have the biggest heart i have ever known. he cares and loves more deeply than anyone. treat me with the utmost respect, and they love me beyond words. Which is crazy to me. I appreciate them. And hopefully they know I love them right back. They believe in me. They pay me such amazing compliments and I want to be able to take them in immediately. I respect this person, love this person. It is probably difficult for this person to understand why I am the way I am. And I want to make it easier for them. I guess really the reason I act this way, or have acted this way, is because I've never had this kind of respect before. I have never been told I am beautiful. Or really that I am good at anything. I was never invited to dances or asked out on dates. Not that it was a big deal to me, but I just never had this in my life before. 
It scares me how good this person makes me feel. And I think it scares me because I am afraid to lose it. I am afraid to respect myself, when really that should be the most natural human instinct. I just don't want to screw it up. 
I hope this person knows how much I appreciate, respect, and love them. 

It is crazy to think how one simple act can affect life as we know it. A simple note. A cup of coffee. A phone call, a text. Tiny, minuscule ideas to some, but powerful moving moments for others.

one moment started a journey. Who knows how that journey will move, how it will venture, how it will maybe one day end. I want this journey to keep going. I want to work towards making it last. One moment started a life.

final ending

Summer is coming to the grand finale. Or is it? We are tickled and teased with the ideas of crisp leaves and sharp airs, but are we clear of the sweltering and scalding heat? Personally, I quite enjoyed the summer sun and want one good tan before we say our goodbyes to tanks tops and sandals.

This summer was one of epic proportion. Maybe the greatest yet? Or possibly the one that has taught the most.

Sometimes I wonder, not anything specific, but random, obscure thoughts. My mind flies in a billion places and I feel like I have no control. And that's where it builds. I let it rise while trying to suppress that overwhelming feeling. And eventually, it spills. Causing a bigger mess than if I were to just take care of things.

While in my last post, I talked about being ready and able to face things head on, I have to say, I am still learning. I am still trying. They've said it takes five hundred hours to create a new habit. I have no idea who "they" is. But I don't know if they realized how long five hundred hours really is. I will keep going, don't get me wrong.

But I am having a slight struggle moment.

It is nothing that a large bar of chocolate, a sad movie, blankets, and some sad songs won't fix. Sounds ridiculous, but sometimes literally sitting, writing, and crying for me is cathartic. It may seem difficult to understand for most, but I need to hear and see how ridiculous some of the thoughts that are running through my head actually are.

Last night, unfortunately, I burst. I have no clue what triggered it. But the drip, drip, plop of whatever it was filled the glass far too quickly and there was a puddle of meaghan on the floor. It isn't even stress. It is, however, worry: will I be good enough, have I made the right decisions, am I doing enough.

I have let myself worry about too much.

Why you might ask? Because I have no idea how not to worry.

I know.

How is that possible?

And I have an even more ridiculous answer for you.

I have no idea.

I can see you all now. All... well not very many of you, thinking, this girl is nuts. Well, I won't judge you if you won't judge me. Kidding... but seriously...

Jealous is definitely a word I would use when I think about some people. The fact that they can just let things go. Slide off. I find that I am really good at starting to let it slide, but I have some hitch or edge that whatever it is snags on and stays. Then I pull the snag, scratch the itch, unravel the yarn; let it get to me.
It is hard to understand why, since all of this, in the long run, is nothing. The life I would like to lead should not be impacted by these simple things. And I really should not let it. It won't. M greater and bigger picture has nothing to do with any of this.

Please don't get frustrated. I know it is difficult to understand. I just need a bit. Hand me the chocolate. Maybe a glass of something good. Let me find the absolute ridiculousness in my words. Then squeeze me tight.

Thank you for not letting me feel sorry for myself. Because in the long run, that is what is more ridiculous than anything I could ever say. That leads you no where. Sometimes I wonder if I am too independent for my own good. I cannot, for the life of me, ask for help, tell anyone how I am feeling at that moment, and definitely cannot rely on someone.
When you rely on someone you risk getting hurt.
Here I am risking more than others seem to care. Hoping to not fall flat on my face one more time.

Just know, I'm here for you too.

My last song played. I had no chocolate to begin with and the bed is way to warm. Actually I'm outside, but the figurative bed...

The head attached to my body is no longer jumbled because the snags have run their course. The water has overflowed and spilled and I am completely spent.

Fresh new Megs to start the new month.

September will bring good things. The cool air is already settling in. Sweaters, scarves and sweet nothings are whispered on the tips of the season. Turning the leaf is a cliched and yet perfect saying for today. I just needed a little revamp. Thanks for bearing with...

This is my grand finale. No more snags. No more falls, spills, messes. It is time to get up and move, shake and shimmy. Let's rumble.

Life... you don't know who you are messing with.