Better Late Than Never: Race Report Meet Life Status

To say I never had any intention of running a marathon, let alone an ultra-marathon, is quite possibly the most extreme understatement one could possibly conjure. Never was in my plan. But those who know me know I am not exactly one for plans. Or rules.

A year ago, I was presented with the idea of running a marathon. Wonderstruck and smitten, I said, “Why the hell not?” Training went pretty well-injuries came and I stubbornly pushed; still making it to the finish after an extremely emotional 26.2 miles. Stating very matter-of-factly, “I will never do that again.” Only after a mandatory 20 minute thought provoking walk, did I change to “Let’s do this, better.”

I signed up for this ultra- marathon, The Badger MountainChallenge 50k, in a less than emotionally stable mental state. Quite possibly rationalizing the sign-up. I needed something to focus on for a couple of months. And in all actuality it was to keep my mind off of other things. I needed something to keep me occupied. I needed to prove to myself I could do this, I would survive-live another day. And I could do it all on my own. This is not to say that any number of people tried to talk me out of it. They did. I was even told, “it would be impressive if I finished.” Fuel on the fire. But then again, those who know me, knew I would thrive from this competitive jab.

I trained. The majority of it on my own, letting my mind wander and slide through memories and future dreams as I climbed every hill I could think of in and around Spokane.

A relative “newbie” to any distance longer than 13.1, I tried to gather as much information and knowledge as I could. But a lot of things came down to trial and error, experimentation. What would work for me?

Listening to others who had fared distances far exceeding my imagination and my own endeavors, I found a combination which would best suit me.

Laying out checkpoints for myself in training led to that in the races as well. The week of the race itself was a trying one, to say the least. I let questions and doubts creep into my mind: Could I really do this? I almost quit. I almost just threw it all away, all the hard work, all the time, all the effort, all the emotions. I lost it mentally. And I needed to be fully able on all levels. My heart was in pain. I was not a quitter.

I did not want to put any expectation on myself. Really, I wanted to finish and not feel like absolute death. So, whatever I had to do. However, the largely competitive runner within me put some kinds of goals on the back burner-just in case.

The morning of the race could not have been more majestic and beautiful. Starting at the base of a hilly neighborhood, we were still high enough to see an orangey-pink sunrise over the city, smiling down upon our treacherous endeavor. I actually felt a rising happiness inside as I was about to embark. I had also never felt more alone even in a crowd of nearly seventy runners with varying degrees of wakefulness. But it was an ok feeling. Scary, but ok.

Instructions were laid out and not knowing the area or terrain ( at all!) I only really took to the “follow the green markers” as my guide. Don’t get lost.

Starting on the asphalted incline-some took off charging, while others just got moving. Again, reference the varying degrees of being awake. I was somewhere in the middle, knowing that I did not want to get stuck on the bottleneck of the trail. Unlike most of my races in the past, going out hard would most certainly make me pay dearly later. I had decided to stay within a certain pace on the uphills and that would save me. Or at least, I hoped. Rhythm, in the end, is what kept me going.

Having a full handheld, I smiled at the cheers and called out my number through the first aid station. I could see a small group of strung out runners ahead and there were a couple behind me even. But I was in a place called no-man’s land and I was perfectly fine with that. I had practiced that; letting my mind wander and roam as I traversed through the climbs and downfalls, guided by the little green flags, like breadcrumbs marking my trail.

I laugh now, but my strong suit is not downhills. Especially steep, rocky ones. And there were times I wish I had been watching myself, only to garner a laugh.

While I know that my mind did wander, it must have gone much farther than I though, because I do not remember a lot of the race, just getting into some kind of rhythmic run. I stopped caring about everything outside of me. I just moved forward, onward. The final major climb before my turn-around was difficult. The incline itself would prove to be taxing, but add in the steady, heavy sidewind-I was in for it.

One of my weakness as a runner has always been mental toughness. Let’s face it- as a person it has been difficult. And it has already been an extremely long year of testing that. Admittedly I had broken already on a few runs and workouts. And in a few life moments. And I was adding to the difficulty by doing this on my own. I could not break. I didn’t have anyone to pick me. I was not going to have anyone at the end to hold me if I broke down and cried. No one could be there, but me. It came down to simply telling myself I was tougher. And I did not allow myself to question it. Each step was that much closer.

At the halfway point aid station, I chatted and thanked the volunteers for everything. I did not stay long because I was actually on pace for one of my goals. The competitor in me was creeping up and growing stronger as the miles, piled on. No expectations, but it would be pretty cool…

Fueled with a bit of coca-cola, some m’n’ms and peanut butter, I was ready for my second 15.5 mile run of the day. Staying contained and within myself was going to be a key to finishing. I could not get crazy. Having done most of training at a much faster pace was falling into my benefit. I had strengthened myself in my own way, and I had found what was best for me. And all I could do was just keep going. Climbingg was taking its toll of course, but I kept telling myself that I was ok. Hitting sections of basalt rock with rough footing, I remembered a warning I had received back in December. Laughing I was blown off the course by the wind, only heightening the difficulty. I was again alone with no protection. It took some strength, but I powered through the gusts.

At this point, I broke down the remainder of the race by aid stations. I knew where they were and I just focused on each section. Checking in with myself, I continued the rhythm and the wandering.

Hitting the second to last aid station, I caught a woman about my age and we kept each other going-discussing previous races we had run. She laughed when I told her this was my first ultra. I told her she was awesome and that we’d see how I was doing in a couple of miles. Eventually we separated, but she would pass me later on, after an intense trial of my own. But she was the first person I ran with. And there was only nine miles left at this point. Reaching the second to last climb, I could feel myself reaching a breaking point. Mentally I had made some kind of misstep. I could not really tell you exactly what it was, but I could feel everything breaking down. The bricks and stones I had used to build the wall around myself, protecting myself, were cracking and slowly crumbling. I was letting things inside and get to me throughout the previous week. I couldn’t do that now; not if I wanted to finish. I felt a mirage form in front of me. Something I knew may happen, but didn’t want to. Well, who are we kidding; I did, but knew it wouldn’t be good for me. I fell into the mirage and followed it for a couple miles, feeling comfortable in the warmth of its presence. It spoke to me in soft words, never getting too personal, but trying to edge around touchy subjects. Finally, I realized I needed to guard my heart. That was the thing I needed to keep beating. I didn’t want to lose this mirage though. I wanted it to still be there at the end. I wanted it back. I would rather live in the uncomfortable knowing of that mirage than without it. But I needed this for me. Not anyone or anything else. I dropped it. I got to the final aid station and pushed everything aside. Or tried to. I fought through the pain. I fought through the tears and finally I crossed the line. No one was there to hold me. No one was there to hug me. I found friendly faces, sure. But I was by myself. And that was a pretty ok place to be. Not ideal, and maybe not exactly what I want, but I was ok. I was going to be ok. I did it on my own. I would survive. I would live to see another day. I made it thirty one miles.

What’s next?

who. what. where. when. why.

I have been asked this question a lot in my life, a mostly unimportant question in the grand scheme. But I understand the reasoning behind it.

Why do you run?

I always try to come up with some smarty retort like, "I run so I can eat all the food I want." Or, "I don't really run, I just pretend really well."

Recently, on a run in fact, I began contemplating the realities of why I run. Why do I drag my butt out the door in the cold, dark mornings, with only my visible breath as my companion? Why do I spin counterclockwise ovals at speeds which sometimes my mind and lungs question, but my legs yearn for more?
There are many reasons I run, I found. I started because I was not good at other sports. I can get by, and it is pretty funny to watch. I wasn't picked last, but by no means was I picked first. Running is not a game. You get what you give. Other sports are based on so much: statistics, calculations- games. Running is what it is. Simple. You either do it or you don't; get out the door, or not. There are ways to increase the rate of your improvement curve obviously. But it comes back to the fact that you get what you give. If you want to get better you give a little bit more. I wish all life was like this. Sometimes you can give your all and get nothing in return. You try your best, but it was not good enough.
I was once told I am very public with my feelings- on my blog. Which is true, I cannot deny that. In my everyday life, I find it difficult to be completely honest and open about my feelings. To anyone. I cannot ask for help. I do things even if there will be a negative affect on me, or maybe if I do not want to. Because I want to do things for others. That brings me happiness to see someone else happy. I do not want to burden anyone with my own problems or needs. I am not dependent because I don't want to cause hurt.
My blog is a way for me to work out the thoughts clouding my mind. Putting things onto the page allows me to feel a sense of completeness and understanding. It is my way to express emotions I am otherwise unable to express.
I do not want to make it seem that I do not need the help. I am not ungrateful of the amazing support system I have been so luckily gifted. There are many, many people who have been there, believing in me, when I don't have the strength to believe in myself; when I don't think I am good enough.
Not so long ago, on quite a difficult trial, I heard the words: "I am proud of you. I am excited for you, you've worked so hard for this. I believe in you, Meaghan"
I had never heard these words and believed them before. For the first time, I believed. And I believed in myself. These words have never meant so much to me. They still do, and probably always will.
I have appreciated everything I have been given. I will cherish it always and am eternally grateful for all gifts, physical, emotional, etc. to my own fault I do not ask for things. I feel guilty, selfish, burdensome. I let myself get hurt; letting emotions build until a boiling point. So instead, I protect myself. I do my best, but sometimes I fall short. All I can do is keep going, keep trying.
Game playing is not for me. I am no good at it. Too dangerous, too dramatic. Leave me to the open road; solitary or with company, I will continue on.
I do not define myself by running. Yes, I am a runner, but it does not have to be my entire life. It gives me time, focus. It is a passion which I find much joy.
I want to share my joy. Not solely in running, but more. That's just who I am. I don't expect anything In return, why should I? Sometimes the littlest deeds have the greatest impact on our hearts. Even just a cup of coffee. I do things for the small possibility of making someone smile.
I don't do anything for reward, accolades, or recognition. Not even running. That's not the point. I do it because it brings me joy. As selfish as that may seem. I always have. And I always will. Regardless of what anyone thinks, or how anyone acts towards me. I am a nice person. I've finally started believing that. And I am allowed to be one- even if people may think differently, or create stories portraying me differently. Remember, there are two sides to every story.
Don't believe everything you hear... There are always two sides to every story. Although we hear what we want. What is it going to get us if we speak Ill of people? Where will we end up? It would make me feel worse about myself. Judging someone does not define who they are, but who you are. Saying hurtful things won't get you anywhere. You stay static, possibly even moving backwards. Why would you want to do that? Stories get twisted and turned. And we hear what we want, while telling others what they want to hear. All it does is create drama. But really? Shouldn't it all go back to the start? Or is there too much residual damage?
Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Don't protect my feelings. I've done it before. It is dramatic and messy. It is all a matter of perception. If we are honest, it is easier in the long run.

You don't have to take my niceness. You don't have to drink the coffee. There is no other reason than the simple fact that I am a nice person. And you get what you give. Maybe I am hoping that if I give enough, it will be passed on to someone else.

Now I am definitely not one to toot my own horn. For those of you who know me, you know I really only get embarrassed when someone pays me a compliment. Or if I get recognized for something. But here it is, I do not define myself as a runner, a saleswoman, a brunette, or even happy.
I define myself as nice. And I am ok with that.

adversity

I shut off my phone yesterday. It was necessity; totally liberating, suggested in fact. It opened up my mind for a bit. And I actually sat down and wrote. I filled pages of a blank notebook that had been sitting, staring at me for weeks. Obviously it was necessary for me to get outside my locked up little world for a bit and think about the thoughts constantly racing through my head.
Some might think I was doing it to avoid life, but I did it to live life.

You can make one choice each and every day. Actually, in all reality, we make thousands. Some impact us in tiny, minute ways: how much conditioner to use, which plate to eat off of, etc. Others create much greater ripples, flowing further and deeper than we could have ever imagined.

I woke up this week after a night that definitely could have put me in a major funk, but decided I would not let this bring me down. I was making the choice to be happy. Because you do know it is a choice: you can choose to t\let things get you down, or you can choose to face things head on and say, "BRING IT."

While this would seemingly be a simple decision (hey, imma be happy!), I came to the realization that I can make or break my day by this choice. In our minds we make it complex and obscure and far too difficult. We set up our own obstacles. We put the hurdles up.  We put the limits on ourselves. We may find ways to blame others. That is just a crutch No one can do anything to us or make us do anything we do not want to do. Look in the mirror.

So what if we did not limit ourselves?

To me, I wonder if I put up these barriers, that maybe there isn't a part of me that thinks I can break them down; there is an innate knowledge that that can happen.

So why limit yourself to not be happy? Deep down we all know we have the choice.

What is your happy then?

While it may seem that I am saying this with all the confidence in the world that I do this each and every moment of my life, I can tell you from my own personal experience that I find it an extremely difficult task to accomplish, but it wouldn't be worth it without some level of difficulty. Nothing in life that is worth it comes easily. Trust me I have run into some pretty deep puddles, some high hurdles, some hefty road blocks. All it really means is that my feet get a little wet and I'll have to jump or go around when I am already pretty tired and beat down. Either you can make the adjustments or you can let it slow you down.

I have fallen in the past and thought that maybe it would just be easier to stay down. But really? Is that an option? What is astounding is our abilities as humans to adapt to all ripples and wakes. Whether we choose to or not.

We think at times we are indestructible. At our young, naive states in life, we feel we can do anything and survive. That will never happen to me. We hear of tragedy, or downfalls, and believe it will never happen to us.
Even mistakes occurring in our lives, do we face them? Or do we sweep them under the rug? Turning our backs and a blind eye to the harsh reality that is, and just hoping we do not have to face it. We should not sweep, we should not pretend.
These things, these feelings, are real.

The choices we make during adversity can determine who we are and who we may become, who we choose to be. We can learn from our mistakes.  We can learn from our obstacles, our limits. Sometimes we have got to fall on our butt to get back up. It is the choice to learn. Let us learn to be happy. We are not indestructible. We hurt. And we hurt others in turn. Let's communicate.

Let's believe in each other and all that we are. And let us give reason to believe and to trust in one another.

Pain and suffering are often the catalysts for life's most important and profound lessons, ideas, and accomplishments. We should not be defined by how we act in a good situation, but rather how we respond to adversity, obstacles and trials; the tribulations and the hardships are what shape us. How can we face these head on and move forward? Taking the lessons they teach us in hand, knowing the scars they may leave will act solely as a reminder of how we are stronger for it all. We would not be given anything we were not able to handle.

"Just live every moment and smile as much as you can. Because that is when special folks come along to help you enjoy your life and likewise theirs."

Let's love.

it is always worth a shot. sometimes you get a great surprise. and sometimes...
put yourself on the line. you never know what you're going to get... take the risk... it is always worth it.

I never had no one
I could count on
I've been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin'
So tired of searchin'
'Til you walked into my life
It was a feelin'
I'd never known
And for the first time
I didn't feel alone

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend, oh yeah

You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You're right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend (my best friend)
You're my best friend (my best friend)

good-deed-a-day

so. it is december. and i like this month. a lot... there are so many amazing things that happen if we just open our eyes, ears and hearts. oh, and noses too.

so i am proposing this: let's do at least one good deed each day this month. choose what you would like to do, but let's pay it forward in a sense.

good luck!

m

constant

Fall has finally hit. Shorts are put in the drawer and long pants and tights are worn. With the ideas of the winds changing and bringing in new light, it brings wonder to how many times things change in a day, in a moment, and life just keeps going on. Is there any constant?

Attitudes and actions change from day to day between people and life throws lemons or grapes as fruits hit the wall, but do we know anything different? Variables, like in science class can be constant or fluctuating. Undetermined even. To keep some sense of sanity in such a hectic world, it is important to keep some variables in life as constant. One thing every day that will reset, recycle, recapture the life we want to live.

Put one foot in front of the other. Step out the door. Smile.

little things

Sometimes the little things in life are the things that truly make you happy, whatever that may be. It is truly the simple things. This last week or so has been one of many a trial and obstacle for me. And to say the least, I broke. I let everything add up and break me down and tear me apart. When I finally wised up and realized life was much more than I was letting it be, I realized that the little things are what matter the most. And really, in the long run, the little things are the big memories and the most important moments. Even sometimes those moments are made of words; words that can change your mind and your entire attitude about life. Completely. 


I know what I want. 


It's that new toothbrush. Or the cup of coffee placed delicately on the bedside table to wake up slowly to. It is the slightest touch on your hand, letting you know someone is there. And always will be. 


Sometimes it can be difficult. When we let everything else be so important. Or we read into everything so deeply that we no longer see the bigger picture. 


Life is meant to be lived, not worried. Know that it is not about possession, ownership, or trying to understand every minute detail. It is that smile you get from someone. And know that person truly loves you. 


I know what I want. 
And I know I am wanted. 

insecure

I've got this insecurity. I've got several. But this one is holding me back. And for some reason, I feel it necessary to display it for everyone. Maybe this will be a cathartic experience for me. Or maybe it will make me more insecure. Let's find out shall we?

Ok. Here it is:

I don't think I am good enough.
Honestly.
And it isn't even rational for me to think that, I know. But for me, I worry that I will never be good enough. For anything. Or anyone. I love my life. I really do. And I should feel good enough. I am just at a point in my life that I am trying to figure a lot of things out. What do I do? What do I like?

What do I want?

Now it took a lot of time. And it will take a lot of thinking, I am sure, but I realized today that I do know what I want, this insecurity is the only thing holding me back. So here it goes. I am throwing it to the wind.

Pain and suffering are often the catalysts for life's most profound lessons, ideas, and accomplishments. We should not be defined on how we act in a good situation, but how we react to adversity, obstacles and trials.

The tribulations and hardships are what shapes us as humans. How can we face these head on, and move on from them, taking only the lessons they teach us in hand, not the scars they may have left? Simply posing the question is just the first step and then realizing you are stronger than anything put in front of you. We would not be given the rough stuff unless someone out there knew we could handle it.

I don't have to live up to anyone else's standards but my own. And for that matter, no one who really, truly loves me has standards like that. They will love me for who I am, not for what they want me to be. I am being tested now, and I definitely failed the first couple times. But regrets and mistakes, they're memories made. And you only stop living when you stop trying to get back up after a fall.

I'm getting back up. Even if I am a little worse for the wear. And covered in dirt.

I know what I want. And I am ready to get it. I want to be happy. And really there is only one thing, one person, who does that. So I'm ready to go. I'm ready. 

Sometimes it needs to be the little things in life that make and keep you happy. Here's to continued little things.

self analysis

Recently I have been doing some major self analysis and understanding. It can at times be extremely difficult to delve deep inside yourself and realize what is truly going on. 


I am self-conscious. I do not think many of you realize this. Mostly because I am extremely outgoing, loud, obnoxious even. I am quiet and introverted. I worry a lot. And I don't really understand why. I get intimidated easily, but normally I try not to show it. In all actuality I am pretty good at faking it all, hiding how I am really feeling. Which is so NOT good. I don't want to do that. I want to be able to actually be confident. And not be intimidated by things. 


Recently, someone came into my life who made me want to change how I feel. They have the biggest heart i have ever known. he cares and loves more deeply than anyone. treat me with the utmost respect, and they love me beyond words. Which is crazy to me. I appreciate them. And hopefully they know I love them right back. They believe in me. They pay me such amazing compliments and I want to be able to take them in immediately. I respect this person, love this person. It is probably difficult for this person to understand why I am the way I am. And I want to make it easier for them. I guess really the reason I act this way, or have acted this way, is because I've never had this kind of respect before. I have never been told I am beautiful. Or really that I am good at anything. I was never invited to dances or asked out on dates. Not that it was a big deal to me, but I just never had this in my life before. 
It scares me how good this person makes me feel. And I think it scares me because I am afraid to lose it. I am afraid to respect myself, when really that should be the most natural human instinct. I just don't want to screw it up. 
I hope this person knows how much I appreciate, respect, and love them. 

It is crazy to think how one simple act can affect life as we know it. A simple note. A cup of coffee. A phone call, a text. Tiny, minuscule ideas to some, but powerful moving moments for others.

one moment started a journey. Who knows how that journey will move, how it will venture, how it will maybe one day end. I want this journey to keep going. I want to work towards making it last. One moment started a life.

final ending

Summer is coming to the grand finale. Or is it? We are tickled and teased with the ideas of crisp leaves and sharp airs, but are we clear of the sweltering and scalding heat? Personally, I quite enjoyed the summer sun and want one good tan before we say our goodbyes to tanks tops and sandals.

This summer was one of epic proportion. Maybe the greatest yet? Or possibly the one that has taught the most.

Sometimes I wonder, not anything specific, but random, obscure thoughts. My mind flies in a billion places and I feel like I have no control. And that's where it builds. I let it rise while trying to suppress that overwhelming feeling. And eventually, it spills. Causing a bigger mess than if I were to just take care of things.

While in my last post, I talked about being ready and able to face things head on, I have to say, I am still learning. I am still trying. They've said it takes five hundred hours to create a new habit. I have no idea who "they" is. But I don't know if they realized how long five hundred hours really is. I will keep going, don't get me wrong.

But I am having a slight struggle moment.

It is nothing that a large bar of chocolate, a sad movie, blankets, and some sad songs won't fix. Sounds ridiculous, but sometimes literally sitting, writing, and crying for me is cathartic. It may seem difficult to understand for most, but I need to hear and see how ridiculous some of the thoughts that are running through my head actually are.

Last night, unfortunately, I burst. I have no clue what triggered it. But the drip, drip, plop of whatever it was filled the glass far too quickly and there was a puddle of meaghan on the floor. It isn't even stress. It is, however, worry: will I be good enough, have I made the right decisions, am I doing enough.

I have let myself worry about too much.

Why you might ask? Because I have no idea how not to worry.

I know.

How is that possible?

And I have an even more ridiculous answer for you.

I have no idea.

I can see you all now. All... well not very many of you, thinking, this girl is nuts. Well, I won't judge you if you won't judge me. Kidding... but seriously...

Jealous is definitely a word I would use when I think about some people. The fact that they can just let things go. Slide off. I find that I am really good at starting to let it slide, but I have some hitch or edge that whatever it is snags on and stays. Then I pull the snag, scratch the itch, unravel the yarn; let it get to me.
It is hard to understand why, since all of this, in the long run, is nothing. The life I would like to lead should not be impacted by these simple things. And I really should not let it. It won't. M greater and bigger picture has nothing to do with any of this.

Please don't get frustrated. I know it is difficult to understand. I just need a bit. Hand me the chocolate. Maybe a glass of something good. Let me find the absolute ridiculousness in my words. Then squeeze me tight.

Thank you for not letting me feel sorry for myself. Because in the long run, that is what is more ridiculous than anything I could ever say. That leads you no where. Sometimes I wonder if I am too independent for my own good. I cannot, for the life of me, ask for help, tell anyone how I am feeling at that moment, and definitely cannot rely on someone.
When you rely on someone you risk getting hurt.
Here I am risking more than others seem to care. Hoping to not fall flat on my face one more time.

Just know, I'm here for you too.

My last song played. I had no chocolate to begin with and the bed is way to warm. Actually I'm outside, but the figurative bed...

The head attached to my body is no longer jumbled because the snags have run their course. The water has overflowed and spilled and I am completely spent.

Fresh new Megs to start the new month.

September will bring good things. The cool air is already settling in. Sweaters, scarves and sweet nothings are whispered on the tips of the season. Turning the leaf is a cliched and yet perfect saying for today. I just needed a little revamp. Thanks for bearing with...

This is my grand finale. No more snags. No more falls, spills, messes. It is time to get up and move, shake and shimmy. Let's rumble.

Life... you don't know who you are messing with.

perseverance...

"Faith resembles a difficult race.. the runner has her eyes on the winners prize & despite nagging temptations to slacken the pace, refuses to let up until she crosses the finish line, throwing off everything that hinders... a tough faith being a constant commitment to hang on and believe no matter what."

Damn you inspirational quotes! All you do is make me want to run all the more. Not that I cannot at the moment... Just that it is a lot smarter for me not to. Ugghhh... I hate being smart. Woah... I take that back. I'm not smart.

I was once told that it is more courageous to know when to stop than it is to keep pushing. Which, I have told every single one of my friends, every one of my athletes, and even people I don't know that well. But why on earth can I not take a dose of my own medicine?

I really, really want to run. I have not run in... well it feels like forever. But it has not been that long. I keep seeing things that make me want to run. Fast. And I am ready to. I am going to attack cross training. I am going to do all the little things. I am going to roll. And when I finally get to run... then we'll see what happens!

But I gotta have faith. Is it bad that the George Michael song started playing in my head? Haha....Oh George. I have to keep my eyes focused on what is ahead. I just need to keep going. Faith is believing it what you cannot always see. So here we go.

It is more courageous to know when to stop. But to keep going in alternative ways. Get it get it.

week of birthdays!

this will probably happen more than once in the coming months. especially in april. i don't know what happened, but i know a lot of people with april birthdays. but it isn't april yet. it is nearly march.

so i am going to wish all my buds a happy happy birthday!!!!

PAULY!!!

i'm so glad we became better friends this summer! i wish you all the happiness and luck on your birthday! thank you always for your love and support!


CHELSEA aka PAMELA 2!

you are going to hate me for this photo, but it was a good one. i literally snorted. we look amazing... :)
i do not know where i would be without your friendship and love. you are too awesome for words. and i'm glad we get to be friends. can't wait for camp and whatever the future holds! happy birthday oldy!!! welcome to the club!

birthdays are for loving and celebrating life. get out there and enjoy... we only get so many anyways!!!

sunday morning.

oh sunday. i love them. and i also love not using correct grammar or punctuation. so i am going to take advantage of that now. sorry to my english lover friends. i just am not feeling it. what i am feeling is a bit nostalgic for the days when i could color outside the lines and not have to put in punctuation. so... here we go.
sundays are probably my favorite day. they are definitely days i get lost in. time flies by which i am not particularly a fan of, but it happens so i deal. i feel as though i can sleep in longer on sundays, but really i cannot. i actually seem to wake up earlier, but i always wake up more refreshed and ready for the day.
today was one of those days. add on a couple cups of coffee... and i was beyond ready.
i did not get as much accomplished as i would have liked, but i got stuff done. mostly stuff in my head. lists, ideas, etc. what i really worked on though was belief. belief in myself, belief in others, belief in my abilities and capabilities. today was better than yesterday. and hopefully tomorrow is another improvement as well.

finishing out a beautiful sunday, for a marvelous monday? i hope so.


what do you like about sunday?

start.

chills course through veins and bones
over hill and dale through bodies waiting
patient to put themselves through pain unknown.

traveling themselves from far off
breezeways opened through shimmering harriers
frigid anticipation for the final call

layers fall to hardened ground
stripped to shimmering skins
lightest of light spiked toes urging to rip the earth

the call is made
runners to your mark
silence. thunder.

no noise by runners heard
only fight. and push off the line.
gliding through the race they go...

barely through my morning coffee...

“All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope” - Alexandre Dumas

Patience is a virtue. Truer words were never spoken. But honestly, those words suck. Patience sucks. I just want to get it done now. But I guess that is sort of the human way isn't it? We want everything. And we want it now. Hello, when I found out there was drive through Starbucks? I thought I had literally died and gone to heaven. Ok, not really. But seriously...

Last night I got home from a relatively long day, plenty exhausted, but not quite sleepy. I sure wanted to. Definitely. But it was one of those "ok--I'd like to got to sleep now!" moments. Which it all ended up working out because AMC was having a movie marathon of Shawshank Redemption. Thank you.

Well at the part when the guys are helping Andy set up a new library. And the one guy cannot pronounce Alexandre Dumas, I thought of this quote. And I interpret it this way.

We must wait. We must wait to become wise. In waiting we gain experience. We cannot be wise at 13. We can be wise beyond our years, yes. But we will not know the full meaning to many things. And as we grow and change and learn, our ideas and perspectives change. Like this. This may seem so very, completely obvious to some people, whereas this morning after only one cup of coffee I am feeling pretty good about my knowledge. I feel enlightened.
I can hope that I get to become wise as well. If I am not meant to be, I sure can pretend to. But hey, I would kinda like to be. All I can do is wait. And learn all that I can. Which means I better get up and get another cup of coffee. It's gonna be a long day.

cover

Lately, I have taken to making my way home from work a little longer. It is normally a ten minute drive; eight if I throw the car into neutral down the hill. But recently I have needed a moment or two, or fifteen, to breathe.
And luckily I actually hit a good time on my way home that I get some tunage on the radio, not just ads or ramblings that get me more worked up and frustrated. And yet...

Looking back on my day, I have probably already run twice, ellipticalled, lifted, and worked. I'm exhausted ready for dinner and bed. A lot to undertake and jam all in there, but I also have no life. I do this. And on a lucky night of the week I get to have actual human interaction! Granted, it is with a sixteen month old and normally it is just to make sure he does not throw his food around and get his pajamas on before parents get home. But, it is interaction. I'll take it. Slowly, I am getting myself out there. And making FRIENDS. We'll see where that goes.

Anyways, my fingers naturally are guided to the CD button, pressed to number five. and skip to track seven. The song I was listening to before anyone else was and then three months later I heard it every other song on almost every radio station. But this time, I still listen to it. But a different version. Tyrone Wells sings this one, and I've heard it done by many others.

Last night I got to thinking. As we all know. that is just no good.
However, this time, I really, really got to thinking. Covers of music. The same ideas are behind the music. I mean each artist is singing the same words, but do they have the same meaning? It is like looking at everyday things and seeing them differently than the person next to you. I may see a red apple, but you may see the most delicious snack you have ever tasted. You may see it as just another race, but I see it as a ticket to something else, to something more.

Either way, if I hear this song my way. So I want to know, how do you hear it?

VDay

Happy Valentine's Day, world!
I don't actually like this holiday, but I thought I would say it anyways. I just got back from a run. And I had this blog typed out in my head within the first few miles. So I needed to get it down, before I forgot.



Maybe it isn't that I don't like this holiday, but that I do not really understand it. Why is it that this one day is made for love? It's a Monday. Why can't show love next Monday? Or tomorrow? Or next month? Why is it that today, of all days, we are supposed to express our love? Or is it that we must express it more? Why can't I hold someone's hand other times of the year? I like chocolate. So I do like that part of the holiday. If I had the money I would buy a lot today. I'm finding some quarters.

I'll just buy it on sale tomorrow. And I'll keep on lovin'. Always. So, you keep it up too, ok? Cool.

one year has passed...

it has been one year since i had decided my life sucked. almost exactly to the day. i remember the smell of the library upstairs as i was supposed to be working on my fifty page paper and instead i was blogging and complaining about how horrid my life was. the still of the hum coming from the heaters in the quiet room upstairs. Rows upon rows of books telling me exactly how i was to portray information within these fifty white pages. i was choosing not to write it for various reasons. mostly because i was too lazy to actually go about writing anything at all. really i was not writing because i was trying to "stick it" to my professor. it had been torture attending this class all semester long and this paper was not going to be an easy task to undertake. like many papers i was being given a choice: pick a topic and explain the significance; like many papers i had written before. however, this time, i hated the idea of this paper. no. actually, i loathed it. i did not want to spend hours in the library writing it. i did not want to waste m time coming up with something that i would not really whole-heartedly believe in. something that i would just as soon throw onto my pile of papers to be filed for a later date. Something that would go into my portfolio, but i wouldn't really believe in. But the thing I was not realizing, was that I had a choice. And my choice this day was to be obnoxious. I was choosing to write a paper about not choosing. Not choosing the topic that would make me angry. I was choosing, however, to write about the topic of not choosing. By not choosing a topic or a style, I was actually choosing one. I was making it all subjective; as the English degree is primarily understood.
While I try to be completely objective in my writing, and in my life for that matter, EVERYONE will see it in their own way. Everyone. Everyone has their own opinions and ideas. And here, in this new year, I will make it known: I respect you. All of you. You have the right to your opinions and your views. I respect that. Got to be a trick right? Nope. No strings attached. But all I ask for in return is that you respect me. I will not judge you, but I ask you not to judge me in return.

I am choosing to write about a time when I was being indignant towards a subject matter. I did not want to write according to the actual subject matter. I was irritated at having to stay inside the lines. I was proverbially "sticking it to the man." And in this case, it could have caused me a passing grade.

By choosing now to respect you, friends, I am hoping you know that I am again, sticking it to the man. And in this case it is a worldwide man. I see so many passing judgement on others and it truly saddens me. Do we not realize we are also being judged? And at times, unfairly. So put this to our own lives. Would we want to be judged in such a manner?

The new year. Time for fresh starts. New ideas. Clean slates. Fearlessness.

I for one choose, in the year 2011, to be fearless. Take risks. Jump. And know something is there to catch me. TO have Faith in the unknown. Belief in the impossible. Subjectively choose to not judge, respect all, and most importantly to love. Hopefully I am not seen as rebellious in my ideas. But I'm ok with that if I am.

And maybe I'll still get a passing grade.

race day

step on that line. drive off it. and go. no regrets. fight the good fight. race the life out of your legs. but know you will live to run an race another day. there is always something more.
dig. dig deep. get those legs churning. fight for every position. get out there and kill the course.
know that when you collapse across that line, you have given everything. leave the course with nothing. you have given your all.
no regrets.