who. what. where. when. why.

I have been asked this question a lot in my life, a mostly unimportant question in the grand scheme. But I understand the reasoning behind it.

Why do you run?

I always try to come up with some smarty retort like, "I run so I can eat all the food I want." Or, "I don't really run, I just pretend really well."

Recently, on a run in fact, I began contemplating the realities of why I run. Why do I drag my butt out the door in the cold, dark mornings, with only my visible breath as my companion? Why do I spin counterclockwise ovals at speeds which sometimes my mind and lungs question, but my legs yearn for more?
There are many reasons I run, I found. I started because I was not good at other sports. I can get by, and it is pretty funny to watch. I wasn't picked last, but by no means was I picked first. Running is not a game. You get what you give. Other sports are based on so much: statistics, calculations- games. Running is what it is. Simple. You either do it or you don't; get out the door, or not. There are ways to increase the rate of your improvement curve obviously. But it comes back to the fact that you get what you give. If you want to get better you give a little bit more. I wish all life was like this. Sometimes you can give your all and get nothing in return. You try your best, but it was not good enough.
I was once told I am very public with my feelings- on my blog. Which is true, I cannot deny that. In my everyday life, I find it difficult to be completely honest and open about my feelings. To anyone. I cannot ask for help. I do things even if there will be a negative affect on me, or maybe if I do not want to. Because I want to do things for others. That brings me happiness to see someone else happy. I do not want to burden anyone with my own problems or needs. I am not dependent because I don't want to cause hurt.
My blog is a way for me to work out the thoughts clouding my mind. Putting things onto the page allows me to feel a sense of completeness and understanding. It is my way to express emotions I am otherwise unable to express.
I do not want to make it seem that I do not need the help. I am not ungrateful of the amazing support system I have been so luckily gifted. There are many, many people who have been there, believing in me, when I don't have the strength to believe in myself; when I don't think I am good enough.
Not so long ago, on quite a difficult trial, I heard the words: "I am proud of you. I am excited for you, you've worked so hard for this. I believe in you, Meaghan"
I had never heard these words and believed them before. For the first time, I believed. And I believed in myself. These words have never meant so much to me. They still do, and probably always will.
I have appreciated everything I have been given. I will cherish it always and am eternally grateful for all gifts, physical, emotional, etc. to my own fault I do not ask for things. I feel guilty, selfish, burdensome. I let myself get hurt; letting emotions build until a boiling point. So instead, I protect myself. I do my best, but sometimes I fall short. All I can do is keep going, keep trying.
Game playing is not for me. I am no good at it. Too dangerous, too dramatic. Leave me to the open road; solitary or with company, I will continue on.
I do not define myself by running. Yes, I am a runner, but it does not have to be my entire life. It gives me time, focus. It is a passion which I find much joy.
I want to share my joy. Not solely in running, but more. That's just who I am. I don't expect anything In return, why should I? Sometimes the littlest deeds have the greatest impact on our hearts. Even just a cup of coffee. I do things for the small possibility of making someone smile.
I don't do anything for reward, accolades, or recognition. Not even running. That's not the point. I do it because it brings me joy. As selfish as that may seem. I always have. And I always will. Regardless of what anyone thinks, or how anyone acts towards me. I am a nice person. I've finally started believing that. And I am allowed to be one- even if people may think differently, or create stories portraying me differently. Remember, there are two sides to every story.
Don't believe everything you hear... There are always two sides to every story. Although we hear what we want. What is it going to get us if we speak Ill of people? Where will we end up? It would make me feel worse about myself. Judging someone does not define who they are, but who you are. Saying hurtful things won't get you anywhere. You stay static, possibly even moving backwards. Why would you want to do that? Stories get twisted and turned. And we hear what we want, while telling others what they want to hear. All it does is create drama. But really? Shouldn't it all go back to the start? Or is there too much residual damage?
Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Don't protect my feelings. I've done it before. It is dramatic and messy. It is all a matter of perception. If we are honest, it is easier in the long run.

You don't have to take my niceness. You don't have to drink the coffee. There is no other reason than the simple fact that I am a nice person. And you get what you give. Maybe I am hoping that if I give enough, it will be passed on to someone else.

Now I am definitely not one to toot my own horn. For those of you who know me, you know I really only get embarrassed when someone pays me a compliment. Or if I get recognized for something. But here it is, I do not define myself as a runner, a saleswoman, a brunette, or even happy.
I define myself as nice. And I am ok with that.

adversity

I shut off my phone yesterday. It was necessity; totally liberating, suggested in fact. It opened up my mind for a bit. And I actually sat down and wrote. I filled pages of a blank notebook that had been sitting, staring at me for weeks. Obviously it was necessary for me to get outside my locked up little world for a bit and think about the thoughts constantly racing through my head.
Some might think I was doing it to avoid life, but I did it to live life.

You can make one choice each and every day. Actually, in all reality, we make thousands. Some impact us in tiny, minute ways: how much conditioner to use, which plate to eat off of, etc. Others create much greater ripples, flowing further and deeper than we could have ever imagined.

I woke up this week after a night that definitely could have put me in a major funk, but decided I would not let this bring me down. I was making the choice to be happy. Because you do know it is a choice: you can choose to t\let things get you down, or you can choose to face things head on and say, "BRING IT."

While this would seemingly be a simple decision (hey, imma be happy!), I came to the realization that I can make or break my day by this choice. In our minds we make it complex and obscure and far too difficult. We set up our own obstacles. We put the hurdles up.  We put the limits on ourselves. We may find ways to blame others. That is just a crutch No one can do anything to us or make us do anything we do not want to do. Look in the mirror.

So what if we did not limit ourselves?

To me, I wonder if I put up these barriers, that maybe there isn't a part of me that thinks I can break them down; there is an innate knowledge that that can happen.

So why limit yourself to not be happy? Deep down we all know we have the choice.

What is your happy then?

While it may seem that I am saying this with all the confidence in the world that I do this each and every moment of my life, I can tell you from my own personal experience that I find it an extremely difficult task to accomplish, but it wouldn't be worth it without some level of difficulty. Nothing in life that is worth it comes easily. Trust me I have run into some pretty deep puddles, some high hurdles, some hefty road blocks. All it really means is that my feet get a little wet and I'll have to jump or go around when I am already pretty tired and beat down. Either you can make the adjustments or you can let it slow you down.

I have fallen in the past and thought that maybe it would just be easier to stay down. But really? Is that an option? What is astounding is our abilities as humans to adapt to all ripples and wakes. Whether we choose to or not.

We think at times we are indestructible. At our young, naive states in life, we feel we can do anything and survive. That will never happen to me. We hear of tragedy, or downfalls, and believe it will never happen to us.
Even mistakes occurring in our lives, do we face them? Or do we sweep them under the rug? Turning our backs and a blind eye to the harsh reality that is, and just hoping we do not have to face it. We should not sweep, we should not pretend.
These things, these feelings, are real.

The choices we make during adversity can determine who we are and who we may become, who we choose to be. We can learn from our mistakes.  We can learn from our obstacles, our limits. Sometimes we have got to fall on our butt to get back up. It is the choice to learn. Let us learn to be happy. We are not indestructible. We hurt. And we hurt others in turn. Let's communicate.

Let's believe in each other and all that we are. And let us give reason to believe and to trust in one another.

Pain and suffering are often the catalysts for life's most important and profound lessons, ideas, and accomplishments. We should not be defined by how we act in a good situation, but rather how we respond to adversity, obstacles and trials; the tribulations and the hardships are what shape us. How can we face these head on and move forward? Taking the lessons they teach us in hand, knowing the scars they may leave will act solely as a reminder of how we are stronger for it all. We would not be given anything we were not able to handle.

"Just live every moment and smile as much as you can. Because that is when special folks come along to help you enjoy your life and likewise theirs."

Let's love.