self analysis

Recently I have been doing some major self analysis and understanding. It can at times be extremely difficult to delve deep inside yourself and realize what is truly going on. 


I am self-conscious. I do not think many of you realize this. Mostly because I am extremely outgoing, loud, obnoxious even. I am quiet and introverted. I worry a lot. And I don't really understand why. I get intimidated easily, but normally I try not to show it. In all actuality I am pretty good at faking it all, hiding how I am really feeling. Which is so NOT good. I don't want to do that. I want to be able to actually be confident. And not be intimidated by things. 


Recently, someone came into my life who made me want to change how I feel. They have the biggest heart i have ever known. he cares and loves more deeply than anyone. treat me with the utmost respect, and they love me beyond words. Which is crazy to me. I appreciate them. And hopefully they know I love them right back. They believe in me. They pay me such amazing compliments and I want to be able to take them in immediately. I respect this person, love this person. It is probably difficult for this person to understand why I am the way I am. And I want to make it easier for them. I guess really the reason I act this way, or have acted this way, is because I've never had this kind of respect before. I have never been told I am beautiful. Or really that I am good at anything. I was never invited to dances or asked out on dates. Not that it was a big deal to me, but I just never had this in my life before. 
It scares me how good this person makes me feel. And I think it scares me because I am afraid to lose it. I am afraid to respect myself, when really that should be the most natural human instinct. I just don't want to screw it up. 
I hope this person knows how much I appreciate, respect, and love them. 

It is crazy to think how one simple act can affect life as we know it. A simple note. A cup of coffee. A phone call, a text. Tiny, minuscule ideas to some, but powerful moving moments for others.

one moment started a journey. Who knows how that journey will move, how it will venture, how it will maybe one day end. I want this journey to keep going. I want to work towards making it last. One moment started a life.

final ending

Summer is coming to the grand finale. Or is it? We are tickled and teased with the ideas of crisp leaves and sharp airs, but are we clear of the sweltering and scalding heat? Personally, I quite enjoyed the summer sun and want one good tan before we say our goodbyes to tanks tops and sandals.

This summer was one of epic proportion. Maybe the greatest yet? Or possibly the one that has taught the most.

Sometimes I wonder, not anything specific, but random, obscure thoughts. My mind flies in a billion places and I feel like I have no control. And that's where it builds. I let it rise while trying to suppress that overwhelming feeling. And eventually, it spills. Causing a bigger mess than if I were to just take care of things.

While in my last post, I talked about being ready and able to face things head on, I have to say, I am still learning. I am still trying. They've said it takes five hundred hours to create a new habit. I have no idea who "they" is. But I don't know if they realized how long five hundred hours really is. I will keep going, don't get me wrong.

But I am having a slight struggle moment.

It is nothing that a large bar of chocolate, a sad movie, blankets, and some sad songs won't fix. Sounds ridiculous, but sometimes literally sitting, writing, and crying for me is cathartic. It may seem difficult to understand for most, but I need to hear and see how ridiculous some of the thoughts that are running through my head actually are.

Last night, unfortunately, I burst. I have no clue what triggered it. But the drip, drip, plop of whatever it was filled the glass far too quickly and there was a puddle of meaghan on the floor. It isn't even stress. It is, however, worry: will I be good enough, have I made the right decisions, am I doing enough.

I have let myself worry about too much.

Why you might ask? Because I have no idea how not to worry.

I know.

How is that possible?

And I have an even more ridiculous answer for you.

I have no idea.

I can see you all now. All... well not very many of you, thinking, this girl is nuts. Well, I won't judge you if you won't judge me. Kidding... but seriously...

Jealous is definitely a word I would use when I think about some people. The fact that they can just let things go. Slide off. I find that I am really good at starting to let it slide, but I have some hitch or edge that whatever it is snags on and stays. Then I pull the snag, scratch the itch, unravel the yarn; let it get to me.
It is hard to understand why, since all of this, in the long run, is nothing. The life I would like to lead should not be impacted by these simple things. And I really should not let it. It won't. M greater and bigger picture has nothing to do with any of this.

Please don't get frustrated. I know it is difficult to understand. I just need a bit. Hand me the chocolate. Maybe a glass of something good. Let me find the absolute ridiculousness in my words. Then squeeze me tight.

Thank you for not letting me feel sorry for myself. Because in the long run, that is what is more ridiculous than anything I could ever say. That leads you no where. Sometimes I wonder if I am too independent for my own good. I cannot, for the life of me, ask for help, tell anyone how I am feeling at that moment, and definitely cannot rely on someone.
When you rely on someone you risk getting hurt.
Here I am risking more than others seem to care. Hoping to not fall flat on my face one more time.

Just know, I'm here for you too.

My last song played. I had no chocolate to begin with and the bed is way to warm. Actually I'm outside, but the figurative bed...

The head attached to my body is no longer jumbled because the snags have run their course. The water has overflowed and spilled and I am completely spent.

Fresh new Megs to start the new month.

September will bring good things. The cool air is already settling in. Sweaters, scarves and sweet nothings are whispered on the tips of the season. Turning the leaf is a cliched and yet perfect saying for today. I just needed a little revamp. Thanks for bearing with...

This is my grand finale. No more snags. No more falls, spills, messes. It is time to get up and move, shake and shimmy. Let's rumble.

Life... you don't know who you are messing with.

perseverance...

"Faith resembles a difficult race.. the runner has her eyes on the winners prize & despite nagging temptations to slacken the pace, refuses to let up until she crosses the finish line, throwing off everything that hinders... a tough faith being a constant commitment to hang on and believe no matter what."

Damn you inspirational quotes! All you do is make me want to run all the more. Not that I cannot at the moment... Just that it is a lot smarter for me not to. Ugghhh... I hate being smart. Woah... I take that back. I'm not smart.

I was once told that it is more courageous to know when to stop than it is to keep pushing. Which, I have told every single one of my friends, every one of my athletes, and even people I don't know that well. But why on earth can I not take a dose of my own medicine?

I really, really want to run. I have not run in... well it feels like forever. But it has not been that long. I keep seeing things that make me want to run. Fast. And I am ready to. I am going to attack cross training. I am going to do all the little things. I am going to roll. And when I finally get to run... then we'll see what happens!

But I gotta have faith. Is it bad that the George Michael song started playing in my head? Haha....Oh George. I have to keep my eyes focused on what is ahead. I just need to keep going. Faith is believing it what you cannot always see. So here we go.

It is more courageous to know when to stop. But to keep going in alternative ways. Get it get it.

week of birthdays!

this will probably happen more than once in the coming months. especially in april. i don't know what happened, but i know a lot of people with april birthdays. but it isn't april yet. it is nearly march.

so i am going to wish all my buds a happy happy birthday!!!!

PAULY!!!

i'm so glad we became better friends this summer! i wish you all the happiness and luck on your birthday! thank you always for your love and support!


CHELSEA aka PAMELA 2!

you are going to hate me for this photo, but it was a good one. i literally snorted. we look amazing... :)
i do not know where i would be without your friendship and love. you are too awesome for words. and i'm glad we get to be friends. can't wait for camp and whatever the future holds! happy birthday oldy!!! welcome to the club!

birthdays are for loving and celebrating life. get out there and enjoy... we only get so many anyways!!!

sunday morning.

oh sunday. i love them. and i also love not using correct grammar or punctuation. so i am going to take advantage of that now. sorry to my english lover friends. i just am not feeling it. what i am feeling is a bit nostalgic for the days when i could color outside the lines and not have to put in punctuation. so... here we go.
sundays are probably my favorite day. they are definitely days i get lost in. time flies by which i am not particularly a fan of, but it happens so i deal. i feel as though i can sleep in longer on sundays, but really i cannot. i actually seem to wake up earlier, but i always wake up more refreshed and ready for the day.
today was one of those days. add on a couple cups of coffee... and i was beyond ready.
i did not get as much accomplished as i would have liked, but i got stuff done. mostly stuff in my head. lists, ideas, etc. what i really worked on though was belief. belief in myself, belief in others, belief in my abilities and capabilities. today was better than yesterday. and hopefully tomorrow is another improvement as well.

finishing out a beautiful sunday, for a marvelous monday? i hope so.


what do you like about sunday?

start.

chills course through veins and bones
over hill and dale through bodies waiting
patient to put themselves through pain unknown.

traveling themselves from far off
breezeways opened through shimmering harriers
frigid anticipation for the final call

layers fall to hardened ground
stripped to shimmering skins
lightest of light spiked toes urging to rip the earth

the call is made
runners to your mark
silence. thunder.

no noise by runners heard
only fight. and push off the line.
gliding through the race they go...

barely through my morning coffee...

“All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope” - Alexandre Dumas

Patience is a virtue. Truer words were never spoken. But honestly, those words suck. Patience sucks. I just want to get it done now. But I guess that is sort of the human way isn't it? We want everything. And we want it now. Hello, when I found out there was drive through Starbucks? I thought I had literally died and gone to heaven. Ok, not really. But seriously...

Last night I got home from a relatively long day, plenty exhausted, but not quite sleepy. I sure wanted to. Definitely. But it was one of those "ok--I'd like to got to sleep now!" moments. Which it all ended up working out because AMC was having a movie marathon of Shawshank Redemption. Thank you.

Well at the part when the guys are helping Andy set up a new library. And the one guy cannot pronounce Alexandre Dumas, I thought of this quote. And I interpret it this way.

We must wait. We must wait to become wise. In waiting we gain experience. We cannot be wise at 13. We can be wise beyond our years, yes. But we will not know the full meaning to many things. And as we grow and change and learn, our ideas and perspectives change. Like this. This may seem so very, completely obvious to some people, whereas this morning after only one cup of coffee I am feeling pretty good about my knowledge. I feel enlightened.
I can hope that I get to become wise as well. If I am not meant to be, I sure can pretend to. But hey, I would kinda like to be. All I can do is wait. And learn all that I can. Which means I better get up and get another cup of coffee. It's gonna be a long day.